Red pen on a yellow Post-It note
Monday, 3/31/25, 3:18 pm, 48 & about to rain
It's always about to fucking rain or already raining here I'm so sick of it
Just got back from taking C down to his parent's house, we ended up staying the night because we left so late yesterday. I'm glad we went. The drive was absolutely gorgeous. It's always a nice drive, but I'm not even exaggerating when I say there were rainbows and double rainbows the whole drive down. 4.5 hours of rainbows. We saw the end of one. On the drive back up today, rainbows. Everywhere.
This stupid fucking dirty house feels absolutely wretched without him here. My mornings are going to be so lonely. I hate it. 7 more weeks of this til I move too and idk if I can stand it.
Sunday, 3/30/25, 8:38 am, 50 & overcast
We decided yesterday that I would drive down with my friend to drop all his things off at home before he leaves on his Big Journey that way he doesn't have to sit in the car for 5 hours alone. I am just waiting now for him to call me so we can get one last breakfast burrito.
Yesterday was a long day. I helped him pack and then he said lots of goodbyes, and his face kept scrunching up and turning red and it kept making my face scrunch up and turn red. We went and did all the things we said we were gonna do. Our friend's hot dog cart soft opening was a huge success. The plaza drunkards fucking loved it. I didn't cry, I only teared up. Why is everything so sad. Change makes me want to throw up.
Saturday, 3/29/25, 12:36 pm, 54 & overcast
Ok you guys I'm NOT going to let the grief consume me I'm not I'm not I'm not I have to keep it pushin
Last night we had fancy going away dinner for my friend who is moving at the fancy restaurant with the good waitress. My grilled ceaser salad was not as good as last time but it was still good. $25 is too much for mac and cheese, of any level of fancy. All six of us work together, and I've never had such a fun and loving group of coworkers and friends. They all feel like family. Then we went to my friend's house who hosts a drag race watch party every Friday. That was also fun. I had two glasses of wine at dinner and three beers at the house. I got a little too drunk and got cranky by the end of the night, but that makes sense. Tonight is his last night in town, so we will go out again. My other friend is unveiling his hot dog cart today, which is the most fun thing ever. So we will also eat hotdogs. I will help him pack today and I will cry so I put on my waterproof eyeliner that I save for these occasions. I need to make another coffee.
I emailed my old job that I used to have in my hometown and asked if they needed help for the summer and she said yes. I haven't spoken on the phone with her yet, but it sounds like I will have a job when I move without even having to look. That rocks. I think it is going to feel very very weird to live in my childhood bedroom and work at the old bakery. I hope it is weird in a good way. The bakery is near a beautiful perfect lake. I will run around the lake and swim.
Wednesday, 3/26/25, 10:38 am, 60 & threatening to rain
Got home from my shortened trip yesterday afternoon at about 5. Feel like maybe I don't even want to move home anymore. Got in an argument with my dad about him watching Fox news. Feel like I'm making mistakes. At least my truck made the trip. It's an 8 hour drive one way, nearly 800 miles round trip. Now half my stuff is there and half my stuff is here and I don't like how that feels. Can't really back out now and just have to anxiously wait.
The concert was fun. I wish concerts felt like they did when I was 16. I feel really old and like it's hard to enjoy anything these days.
Friend leaves on Saturday. Should probably try to get my shift covered so I don't cry all day. Not feeling good about that, at all. Not feeling good about anything right now.
Saturday, 3/22/25, 7:02 pm, 53 & golden hour rainbows and mist and unexpected sun
What a beautiful day. It was my friend's birthday party and she had a teddy bear tea party. We were to dress up as our stuffed animal. Everyone did such a good job! We played games and ate snacks and sat in the unexpected but very welcome sunshine. It's been raining for a week straight. I made egg salad tea sandwhiches on homemade shokupan (Japanese milk bread). I had never made this type of bread before, but it was very easy! I will make it again. I brought my little digital camera with me and everyone took the cutest pictures, her space is adorable, too.
I finished packing my truck up for my trip tomorrow. I am going to a concert with my friend, then the following day we will make the trek to my dad's house and drop off the first round of stuff for my big move. I am nervous. I am praying that my truck will do well and make me proud. I wasn't able to pack as much stuff into it as I thought I would be able to, but I think I still did good. Most of the stuff I couldn't fit is large furniture that I'll reluctantly have to sell, probably. I gifted my friend whose birthday it was today my prized coffee table. It works SO well in her space, I'm glad it went to her since I couldn't keep it.
I am feeling rather bad, very anxious (although I did have a great day today, too). I think if I can get this load of stuff down and get my truck back here in one piece I will feel a lot better. Ok, now I must pack my clothes and things for the trip. It's going to be warm out! How exciting. A nice change.
Monday, 3/17/25, 2:04 pm, 48 & cloudy
Feeling crazy. One of my closest friends leaves on the 30 and it's feeling real and sad and I don't like it. I leave in May. And that's feeling real and sad and I don't like that either. Change is hard and good and real and sad!
Friday, 3/14/25, 8:06 am, 46 & cloudy
I can't stop thinking about the ways I'm going to mourn this place when I leave. The rose-tinted glasses always come back out the moment I move on from something. But this is the longest I've ever been anywhere as an adult. I've basically only been an adult here. What have I even accomplished here? Well let's see. I moved here in June 2018. So about 7 years. Woof! So I was only 21 when I moved here... absolutely insane to think about honestly. I finished my bachelors degree in envionmental planning and policy (a lot of good that is going to do me under this administration but maybe someday I'll get a job in my field). My baby truck Cooper died and was reborn. (I reluctantly sold her when I couldn't afford an engine swap, but someone restored her to all her glory which is all I ever wanted). I met some of my most dearly cherished friends on Tinder. I met Spencer, whom I married, and whom I lost to a drug overdose. I've been overtaken by grief. I stopped doing drugs in bathrooms with strangers at the bar. I learned that I'm not as much as a party-animal extrovert as I thought I was. I figured out that I don't want to live somewhere where it rains all the time forever. I learned how to be alone for the first time in my life. I learned not to settle. My little sweet Kiki cat has been here by my side through it all, and I learned what it's like to have a medical scare with her. She's getting old and it scares me to death. I learned what real friendship feels like and how not to spread myself thin trying to impress aquaintances. I cemented the fact that I am a morning person, through and through. I got diagnosed with a chronic illness, that got really bad for a while, but I am much better now. I now know what it's like to be the "old" friend, in two senses of the term. For one, my best friend and I have now known each other for over 13 years. Secondly, one of my most cherished friends is a little baby 21 year old, about to move across the world on his own big adventure, and I couldn't be more proud and hopeful for him. Life comes at you pretty fast baby! As someone who couldn't see a future for myself for a long time, it feels pretty surreal to be plotting and scheming my big 5 year plan. Leaving this place, at the moment, doesn't feel that hard. It feels like it's run it's course. A lot of the people I met and love deeply are leaving or have left. So it's my turn now. But I knooooow it's going to feel like a freight train hit me once I'm gone. Who am I, as a person, without this place that's shaped my entire twenties? We'll find out I guess ⋆｡𖦹°⭒˚｡⋆
Thursday, 3/13/25, 6:10 pm, 48 & damp
Ok feeling good I was productive today. Worked for three hours, took a big load of stuff to the thrift store, set up my flip phone and got my iPod ready to use again. Got an appointment set up with a new doctor for when I move. Texted my mechanic. Need to smoke weed and fold laundry. I got all my big chores done today so I can enjoy my day off tomorrow. But what should I do? It's going to rain all day (and all week) I am very very ready for a hot hot summer away from this god forsaken damp swampy forest. I do like rain and all, don't get me wrong, I've just been in it too long and I cannot wait for a hoooot dryyyy summa. I intend to lay by the creek every day.
Wednesday, 3/12/25, 8:12 am, 49 & lightly raining
I loooove when I remember I can make an iced coffee at home. You just make a hot coffee and put ice in it. BRILLIANT.
I'm getting ready for my second to last day at my consignment store job. I made my coworker and I a chocolate chip ricotta crumb cake. It looks really good and I hope it tastes good, too.
Monday, 3/3/25, 3:49 pm, 49 & about to storm
Taking a quick break from packing to say wow this move feels insane I hope insane in a good way! Going through all my stuff and getting rid of some stuff I've really been hanging on to for some reason even though I haven't used it in years...why do I have binoculars and a volleyball let's get serious
I'm going to pack up all my trinkets and stuff I'm not going to need for the next few months and take it home at the end of the month that way I have less stuff to deal with when I move in May. My room is going to feel weird without a lot of my stuff in it. But maybe it will feel good to have it be really minimal for a little while. I have a lot of little guys everywhere.
Saturday, 3/1/25, 9:08 am, 46 & foggy
Bitch I just paid off both of my credit cards!!!!!! I put my two weeks in at my second job!!! I feel so gooooooood mmmm mmm MMMMM
Thursday, 2/27/25, 5:25 pm, 55 & beautiful
I'm NOT going to beat myself up for not keeping up with diary entries and I'm also not going to delete my old ones and start over! Everything is fine and updating sporadically is in my nature, I guess, so whatever!!!
OK so quick little updates; I am officially moving back home in May to live with my dad and build a camper on my truck. I am excited and I am nervous. I think it will be a good change and give me some perspective on my next move. I don't intend to stay there for longer than 6 months, but we shall see what is in store ☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★ I am going to put in my two weeks at my second job so I can have some extra time to enjoy my current town before I leave and to tie up loose ends. I successfully deleted Instagram off my phone and have gone the whole month without it and it feels good. I bought a flip phone, just need to set it up. Things feel like they are moving in the right direction for me for the first time in quite some time. Focusing on yourself really does work, unfortunately.
Wednesday, 1/1/25, 1:19 pm, 55 & raining
Just swapped over to my new wall calendar and my new planner for this year. Going to attempt to keep a physical journal, as well as updates here. We shall see. I really want to! But I'm lazy.
I had a wonderful evening last night with my friends. They made gumbo and we played Mario Party and I was in bed by 11.
Sunday, 11/24/24, 8:46 am, 47 & mostly cloudy
Tell me why I just received an email from a hospital I received care from in October of last year, billing me for $8 dollars. Can you actually fuck off.
Ok I think the plan for today might be to take pics of stuff to sell on Depop? I don't really feel like it but I want to make some extra money before Christmas so I can get my friends thoughtful gifts. And I'm low on money because I spent it all thrifting. Haha.
Saturday, 11/23/24, 8:20 am, 46 & partly cloudy
Got back from my trip last night, it was nice to visit with old friends. But they cancelled the concert! The band got "stuck" in Oregon...I saw that they were able to make it to the SF show last night though...I'm kind of pissed off. We did get refunds for our tickets but it still sucks. I drove 5 hours to see them in the pouring rain. And who knows if I'll be able to see them any time soon. Duster is cancelled, tell your friends.
I spent way too much money at the thrift this trip. But I got so much good stuff. I'm going to start selling on depop again, I think. I think the highlight was an official Botox merch t-shirt, it says Botox in silver rhinestones on a black American Apparel baby tee. Insane. I also got a pair of knee high brown leather boots I've been searching high and low for for months. They fit perfect and they're very comfortable. I'm going to wear them to work today so we'll see if they hold up.
Monday, 11/18/24, 9:32 am, 43 & party cloudy, about to rain
Yesterday was fun. I went on a short day trip with two friends to Oregon. I got a cute brown skirt at the thrift store, and we went to one of my favorite burger places. We tried to go on a hike, but the weather was really nasty. It hailed. And the trail was completely flooded. I still had fun nonetheless.
I leave on Wednesday morning for Sacramento for a concert and to visit an old friend. I'm worried about the weather, but I'm sure it will be ok. I'm very excited to see Duster. They're one of my favorite bands. And I'm planning on going to the bins which is always a treat for me.
Sunday, 11/17/24, 7:44 am, 50 & sprinkling
I saw an insane shooting star last night. It was red and so long. Very cool stuff. Made me feel some type of way. I also woke up for the second time this week to a lady bug crawling on me. Bug things coming soon!
I love dressing head to toe in nylon and gore-tex to go run around in the rain all day. Makes me miss Washington something fierce.
Friday, 11/15/24, 5:40 pm, 49 & party cloudy
I got into the woodworking class! I'm amazed at how fast the college processed my application and how fast I was able to register for the class. Must have low enrollment. I snagged the second to last spot available in the class. I hope I make a friend. Or there's a cutie. I can't wait for it to start. I've really been missing school and I think it will be good for me to have a structured activity once a week. It'll also give me a good excuse to get a gym membership. The only affordable gym is kind of far from my house, and there's not really a good reason for me to drive all the way over there, but the school is close to it so I'll be making Fridays my gym and school day.
The sashiko workshop was a bit of a bust but it was still fun. I went with three of my friends and we had a good time, even if we didn't really learn how to do the techniques. I'm planning on mending a pair of Carhartt's I got from my roommate. The whole butt is about to rip open.
On Sunday my friend invited me to go on a little trip to Oregon for the day to go hiking in the rain and to go thrifting, so that will be fun! I'm excited. I just hope it's not too cold.
Thursday, 11/14/24, 8:34 am, 49 & lightly raining
I decided very last minute to try to take a class at the local community college in the Spring. It would be very beneficial for me, I realized, to have a basic understanding of woodworking for my upcoming camper build. Hopefully my application is processed in time to sign up for the course!
Later today I'm attending a free sashiko workshop that I'm excited about. I've attempted sashiko before with relative success but it will be nice to see the proper technique.
I had been on the hunt for some long sleeve cotton button up pajamas and I got some yesterday from my second job (I work at a consignment shop once a week). They're white with blue and red pinstripes. I'm obsessed. I'm tired of wearing ratty old sweatpants and stained t-shirts to bed and I wanted something more intentional. I swear I slept better. Now I just need a nicer robe. I've been considering this one from LA apparel. Oh look, and it's on sale....I need some new socks too....hm
Monday, 11/11/24, 9:41 am, 56 & cloudy
Today is my wedding anniversary. I miss him so much. Grief is such a consuming and omnipresent thing...
Big things coming soon, and I mean it this time. I've come into a bit of cash courtesy of my late great grandparents, a big suprise I wasn't expecting. I'm planning on staying with my dad for the summer and building out a truck camper with him. This is something I've always wanted to do but have never had the funds for. It might not be the most responsible thing to do with this money, but I know I won't regret it. I have dreamt of doing this for a decade. I've always wanted to do some solo traveling. I can't believe I'm actually going to be able to do it. For the truck, I want to find a late nineties/early 2000's Toyota or Nissan 4x4. The camper will be built up over the cab and be tall enough for me to stand in the bottom portion. My dad built the house I grew up in and has built a truck from scratch, and he sounds very excited to help me with this project. I've never even nailed two pieces of wood together, so I'm very excited to learn from the best. I'm going to start doing research on how I want to build the camper. I feel very blessed to be able to do this. I'm looking forward to spending the summer with my dad, too. He's getting older and I feel guilty for being so far away. We are planning some backpacking trips for the summer as well. And I'm going to see if my old job is looking for any summer help, which I'm hopeful they are. It would be fun to cosplay as a baker again for a little while.
Sunday, 11/3/24, 3:26 pm, 56 & sunny
Working too much has taken it's toll, I'm hella sick. Been in bed for four days. Too much time to think. Watched too many sad movies and I started reading A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara because I guess I like to torture myself. Don't feel well in my brain. I really wish I lived by myself. Little things my roommates are doing are staring to get to me. I've only been here four and a half months. Need to get back to work so I can save a bajillion dollars so I can run away somewhere were no one knows my name.
Sunday, 10/20/24, 9:32 am, 52 & foggy
Oop, already slacking on diary entries....
All I've been doing is working. Working working working every day, every night, pulling doubles, etc etc. I'm cranky and tired. I'm trying to pay off my stupid fucking credit card debt and save money. It's working, but at what cost? I'm so grouchy and I have like no time to get anything done. I've had two days off this whole month and I don't want to spend them running errands? I fucking hate grocery shopping and cooking I don't want to do that in the small amount of time I have for myself. At least I'm liking my new second job. My other one is pissing me off, though. I'm considering asking for more hours on the next schedule at my newer job and only asking for two days a week at my old one. get paid a lot more at my old one, though. AHHHHHHH
Sunday, 10/6/24, 8:56 am, 52 & sunny
I can't believe it's been so sunny and nice here. It's usually dumping rain by now. I'm grateful.
I am on day 5 of working 18 days in a row. So far it's going ok. I know by the end of it I'm going to be mentally and physically drained. I wish we lived in a world where this wasn't necessary in order to survive. I literally have three jobs and still struggle to pay my bills some months. I've been challenging myself to work as much as possible and save as much as possible by the end of the year in preparation for moving in the future. I have no timeline and no concrete plan, but I think I don't want to live where I do much longer. In August I set a challenge for myself to put fifty dollars from each paycheck into my savings (I get paid weekly) in order to save $1,000 by the end of the year. I'm proud of myself because I've been able to already save $1,000, but only because I got that third job and have been working like non-stop the past two months. It feels good to know I'm capable of it. But I am very tired.
I'm not sure where I would move. It's so expensive to move. I don't like the idea that all this money I'm saving is just going to be blown on a u-haul. But I guess there's not really many options. My car barely holds anything and I'm too sentimental about my furniture to get rid of it.
I've slowly began the decluttering process. Getting rid of things here and there. In reality I don't have that much stuff but it's enough that moving is always a pain in the ass. I wish I was more of a minimalist but I'm just not. I like my stuff and I like collecting.
I wish I knew where I wanted to go. The idea of moving somewhere where I know no-one simultaneously terrifies and excites me. I don't think I will do that, but still. LA was on the table for a bit, but I'm unsure, that feels like a mistake. I don't think a city will serve me well at this stage. But maybe temporarily it would be fun.....
Tuesday, 10/1/24, 5:10 pm, 60 & sunny
Happy first day of October! I got back from my trip yesterday. I'm really tired and not feeling great. I have a toothache and my sinuses hurt from the dry air back home. And I'm not very excited to be back in my current home. I went grocery shopping today. I'm going to make beef stroganoff for dinner. I want to find a new show to watch and I was thinking about starting an anime. I used to watch anime a lot but I haven't in a very long time. But I think a cozy slice of life would be nice for fall.
I got to see Built to Spill's 30th anniversary tour for There's Nothing Wrong with Love and it was such an amazing show. They played with Quasi, which I had somehow never heard of, but they were really great too. The drummer is incredible. I had a good time.
I also had lunch with a dear old friend and met his girlfriend. It was so nice to see him, it's been like six years. We're trying to plan another trip were I will be able to visit longer. Duster is playing at the same venue in November and I would love to be able to go to that show.
Thursday, 9/26/24, 9:09 am, 71 & sunny
Yesterday I spent the day with my mom. We went thrifting. I got another black t-shirt that I don't need, but I'm going to replace a different one I have at home that has an unraveling hem. I also got a black cotton knee length skirt that I really like. I'm wearing it today even though I didn't wash it. Honestly I don't usually wash my thrifted clothes before I wear them unless they stink or feel grimy. I also got a black knit zip up hoodie that's excactly what I've been looking for. It's ever so slightly too small in the arms but I think I can stretch it out since it's knit.
I'm waiting for my dentist appointment that I booked in the beginning of the year. It's nearly impossible to get in with a dentist where I currently live, let alone one who takes insurance, so I've resorted to seeing one where my parents live. It's eight hours away, but I figured I visit them roughly twice a year so I can just get my cleanings in when I visit.
I always forget how much people stare when I come home. I'm heavily tattooed and have a relatively big septum piercing. It always catches me off gaurd because it doesn't happen where I live. What also catches me off gaurd is how fast everyone drives here. Slow the heck down!!! Ur scaring me!
Tuesday, 9/24/24, 8:34 pm, 70 & clear
I drove 8 hours today to visit my mom and dad. I had to stop to shit like 6 times. Nightmare!!!
This weird town never changes and I don't know why my mom still lives here. I'm going to try to convince her to pay for a manicure and pedicure for me tomorrow. I'm excited to visit my dad in a few days. I'm going to try to convince him to take me camping.
On my way here I stopped at this thrift store I always pass by and have always wanted to stop at. It wasn't very good, but I did get a cute shirt and a pair of socks.
Sunday, 9/22/24, 9:30 am, 52 & sunny
I had two seperate dreams about bathrooms last night. I wonder what that means.
I woke up to a text from someone I don't particularly want to talk to anymore. But I think he wants to apologize so I might let him. I'm not sure if that's a bad idea or not.
I've decided I don't want to name people anymore in my entries. I'm not sure if that will be a detriment to me later. I'm a very forgetful person. But I guess if I can't remember who I've written about when I go back and read old entries then they weren't that important.
Thursday, 9/19/24, 8:19 am, 54 & foggy
Found a recipie for rosemary roasted garlic white bean soup. Waking up all my roommates roasting garlic before nine a.m.