Red pen on a yellow Post-It note
2024 2025
7/28/26, 1:53 pm, 90 & way too sunny
Having a mjor crash out today. I've had a really hard couple of days. On Sunday an arsonist tried to burn down the town I live in and I had to help Ch evacuate his house with his two cats and his friend who was visiting. Luckily they have a handle on it now and he was able to return home yesterday. Last night while I was eating dinner another fire started very close to my house and I had to pack my car and grab my cat and get ready to evacuate as well. Thankfully the firefighters were on it very quicky and got it put out before I had to leave. It's been really scary and stressful. Then I get my work schedule today and my hours (along with everyone else's) have been pretty drastically cut. I already can only work limited hours so I don't lose my health insurance but this is low even for me. I also have to work a position I'm not trained on and just really don't want to work because it's public facing and the position I usually work isn't really. Idk what to do there are extremely limited jobs where I live and I don't think I can go back to food/customer service. And I love my job. I'm hoping it's just like this for the month of August and will return to normal after. Idk. I'm thinking about moving again. Ch and I joked about it yesterday after all the stress of our houses almost burning down but if I lose this job I don't think I want to stay here anymore. I never intended to be here long term again anyway. But then I met Ch and things changed a bit. But I know he isn't happy at his job either. I had a panic attack earlier thinking about all this, my first one in quite some time. I'm feeling really lost and upheaved all of a sudden. Everything was going really good finally and of course the second it gets good it gets bad again. Pissed at myself for complaining about being "bored" in last week's entry. Girl bored is better than chaotic and turbulent!!!
7/20/26, 7:28 am, 74 & nice
Today I will go swimming in my friend An's pool. She leaves next month for her master's program and I'm going to miss her a lot! (and her pool). She moved back to our hometown around the same time I did last year and we reconnected. I hope I can visit her once she's settled in her new spot. She's been a good friend to me this past year and I'm glad I got to know her better.
Summer kind of feels like it's slipping through my fingers. There's still a lot more of it to go, I just can't believe it's already the 20th. I turn thirty in ten days! What the hell! I think I want to get a couple fiends together and go bowling. I wish I would have planned something a bit more extravagant for my big day but I can't be bothered. Not like there's many options around here anyway. I think I'm gonna treat myself to a solo camping trip next week to celebrate, too. And probably some online shopping hehe. I want flip flops and oversized colored cotton t-shirts.
Been feeling pretty peaceful but also kind of stagnant this week. It's funny that as soon as things settle down I get bored. Been extra sensitive. Just the way the light filters through the trees has been giving me a lump in my throat. I'm going to make my favorite sandwich for dinner today.
7/15/26, 8:25 am, 82 & unbearably hot already
Camping was very nice and much needed. We went to the area I used to go as a kid and found a nice spot right by the creek. We only saw a couple other people the whole time but once they saw us they went on their way. I only really like dispersed wilderness camping, I don't like to be around other people when I'm out there. I'm planning on going again next week, but maybe by myself and during the week so hopefully I see no one at all. Coming home was hard I got hit with the post-camping-kill-yourselfs so bad. I'm feeling fine now though! I want to plan a one night backpacking trip by myself soon as well to ease back into it. I need to re-teach myself how to orient with a compass before I do anything big but I know some spots that one night would be totally feasible and the trails are pretty fool proof. It feels really good to be back outside after a long surgery recovery. It took my whole first month of summer from me.
7/10/26, 7:28 am, 75 & bright
Ch and I leave for our camping trip later today and I couldn't be more excited to get out of this heat for a few days and just relax by the river and read. I started a new book, The Fifth Wound by Aurora Mattia. Idk how I feel about it yet it's kind of hard to read. Extremely prosey and flowery which I usually don't mind but I'm losing the plot a bit. I finish the Employees by Olga Ravn yesterday and I did not care for it. More on that on my library page! But anyway yes reading river time hot dog time woooooods.
My back is still killing me I've come to the conclusion that I do have a pinched nerve and it's my chiropractor's fault and I won't be going back there at least not for this. I know chiropractic work is considered by some people not to be very scientific but I like to think it's just not very Western, I've had some amazing work done by chiropractors before. I'm going to need to get a referral for a physical therapist for this now though. Yeah maybe that's what I should have done in the first place, but living in America you can't just go see a doctor when you want but you can go see a chiropractor without an appointment! Anyhow I'm not even mad at my chiropractor these things can happen when you're shoving bones around I'm more mad at myself for literally never stretching never working out and then wondering why my body hurts so bad. This pain has motivated me to create a movement routine once I'm feeling like I can move a bit again. I'm turning 30 at the end of the month and if I feel this crummy now I don't even want to think about how much worse it can get. I want to be a lean mean 40 year old so I need to start doing some fucking stretches!!!
I charged up the old Nikon Coolpix for our camping adventure so hopefully I'll have some pix for you. I've been aching to document more (I know I talk about this on a quarterly basis and then don't do it, and HAVE been talking about this on a quarterly basis or literal years) but I'm telling y'all I'm feeling more motivated than I have been!!! I feel good about my tradjectory and I want to have proof that I'm doing it. I started a physical journal again too. It's so funny, I have all these nice notebooks that I've hoarded over the years, and when you open them, every single one has the first ~10 pages ripped out from me starting a journal then not keeping up then ripping it up because I'm embarassed and want to begin again. Not this time satan!!!!! MY THIRTIES WILL BE DOCUMENTED THE REVOLUTION WILL BE TELEVISED ETC.
On that same note but not, deleting Instagram has been going swimmingly. This is the first time ever after deleting it that I don't miss it? I allow myself to check it on my laptop but I haven't even been wanting to do that. It's feeling really liberating. I'm mulling over actually deleting my account. I have all of my photos downloaded from it. The only thing stopping me is in 2015 I deleted my Tumblr account and I regret it to this day. I wish soooo badly I could scroll that puppy and laugh at my young baby self. There's a few clips on the waybackmachine but the photos don't load for me unfortunately. I'll mull it over some more. It COULD be nice to delete that account and make one that I ONLY follow actual close friends on and use it like a pre-reels account...but I do not trust myself to not fall into the blackhole of the for you page yet. And do I even want an Instagram account. Yes I like to see what my friends are doing on there but in reality most of them don't even "hard post" anymore, are only posting stories, and then I have this weird complex that I'm "catching up with them" when all I've done is like a meme they shared. I think for now it's best if I'm just off it. The graph depicting my Instagram use vs my books read has an inverse relationship and I think that's beautiful.
7/5/26, 8:54 am, 75 & strangely cloudy
Feels like it might rain...
I woke up on the second to a terrible pain between my shoulder blades that hasn't let up. Thankfully I have some pain pills left over from my surgery last month. It hurts so bad to move my head at all. I went to the chiropractor and got a massage and neither helped much. My chiro said nothing felt "out" and that the best thing to do would be to lightly stretch and massage it. It's making work difficult, my sleep has been terrible, and nothing I do helps much. It feels like someone drove a railroad spike into my spine. I got a special neck stretching foam block and a rubber ball to lay on per my chiro's instruction. It's making my left arm feel weak. I'm suspicious that my original visit to the chiropractor last week may have caused it. The first adjustment I had was a big one and I did feel a lot better after but I'm thinking maybe it caused some inflamation and I now have a pinched nerve or something. It's excrutiating. Not to blame him or anything I don't think he hurt me I think whatever he moved around last time is mad. I just hope it lets up soon. It's so bad that it's making me nauseous and near tears and I have a high pain tolerance. Well, off to work I go anyway. I could probably get away with calling out but I really need the money especially with all these chiropractic visits. Shit ain't cheap.
Ch and I have a camping trip planned for this weekend, I really need this pain to let up before then. I'm very excited, it will be our first camping trip together. I've got the menu all planned out. We're gonna be eating good. I need to get outside. Being stuck in bed half of last month was really hard and it's pretty whack that right when I'm feeling recovered from surgery I get this terrible back pain. C'est la vie I suppose!!!
6/30/26, 9:21 am, 75 & nice
First day off that I don't have a doctor's appointment or other engagement in soooo long. I've been spending the morning fixing/removing dead links from the neighbors section of my links page. It's always sad to click a button and be brought to an error page. Where did you go? I hope you are well! I added some new ones as well (hi new friends). Trying to be better about actually reading everyone's posts. And writing my own. I forget from time to time how much I enjoy tending to this site. But I always remember again.
Today's to-do list: fold laundry, finish writing grocery list, work on site, read book, put storage bins in storage, sweep and mop bedroom (maybe), text all the people I have been meaning to text, call Sh, call C, call P(maybe)
6/28/26, 7:51 am, 62(!!!!) & crisp
Seriously cannot believe the weather we've been having all week. It is extremely weird for it to be this cool outside this time of year. No complaints here at all but it makes me worried for July and August...I am going to the river today with a group of girls I don't really care for but it's okay because it's river. I met them through my boss and they organize a "girl's day" every once and a while. My boss isn't super chummy with any of them either but she said today this one girl and her cousin are coming who she really likes so I'm eager to meet them. The other girls are fine but they're like granola vegetarian house plant types which just isn't really my vibe. And that's ok!!! They probably think I'm weird! Anyway, I'm making fried bologna sandwiches for my boss and I and I'm going to wear my tiny bikini and it is full bush in a bikini summer and we'll just see how many side eyes I get eating my fried meat in a thong.
Something I have been thinking about this week is routine. I have my morning routine down and I like it a lot it helps me feel prepared for the day, but I need to make a few changes. I wake up between 6-7, shower, make a cup of coffee, and then if I want to wear make-up that day I sit down to do that, and if not I will get back in bed and scroll pinterest or read while I drink it. Half way through my cup of coffee, like clock-work, I have to take a shit. Then I come back, finish my make-up/coffee/scroll. After that I will make my lunch for the day if I have work, then breakfast. I'll sit and have breakfast while watching something. Then I get dressed, then do my hair, then pack up whatever bags I need for the day if needed. I've been doing this same thing for the past two years. I've been really wanting to incorporate Qigong/stretching first thing in the morning before my shower. I think I would benefit greatly from some blood circulation. I also think instead of coffee as my first beverage I would like to change it to lemon water or even a green tea. But I'm scared if I move my coffee then my shitting schedule will be off lol. But coffee on an empty stomach is kind of rough! I also want to remove screen-time from my morning. I think it would be nice to eat my breakfast outside at a little table. I also want to add daily journaling. I think I will try to implement these changes soon. I've been feeling like my will-power and resolve are getting stronger so changing some stuff up is possible. I also want to create an evening routine. As it stands I do not have one and I feel a little lost-at-sea in the evening. I mostly would like to get myself to practice some skin-care at night. I've been breaking out pretty badly and it's so painful and gross and I know it's because I do not wash my face at night. My energy level is just soooo shot in the evening it's hard to get myself to do anything regularly at night. But I know if I can do it for a few weeks straight I can probably form a habit of it and then it will be just like my mornings where I don't even think about it. For evenings I want to start with the skincare and then maybe add more light exercises. And if I can get myself to journal daily in the morning maybe we can add a reflection at the end of the day. I can do it I can do it! I benefit so much from routine so I think it's high time I had some in the evening.
6/26/26, 8:10 am, 64 & partly cloudy
A small reprieve from the heat is being welcomed with open arms!
Things have settled back down with Ch. He feels very badly about how he spoke to me last week and he's taking steps to be better. I'm feeling better about it. We are planning a camping trip for the second week of July to go get some air and relax together, I'm excited and I think we both need it badly, but him especially. Now that I am mostly recovered from surgery I am eager to get back outside and do some hiking. I miss it and I love it so I should do it. I need to take advantage of the slightly cooler weather we're having which is very strange for June.
6/23/26, 3:20 pm, 92 & very sunny
The creek the other day did not fix my every worry! My boyfriend upset me sooooo badly afterwards that quite frankly I contemplated breaking up with him. He tried to talk to me about something that's been on his mind but the way he went about it was so terrible that it made me feel like I didn't even know him and that I did not want to. I just sat there, stunned. I gave it a few days and then we talked again on the 21st and I think everything is okay now but shit, man. We've been together for 8 months and things were going relatively well and then out of nowhere he just says this heinous shit to me that made me unable to even look in his eyes! I'm fed up with people being unable to communicate effectively! I shamed him pretty severely for it and I told him he's going to need to make it up to me in a big way to fix it. I guess we'll see if he's capable. He's been going through a lot with work and other personal stuff and I feel like he dumped all his frustrations from those problems into what he said and it all came out nasty. Like I love him and I can see us having a future together but not if this is how he talks to me about important shit. I'm gonna give him a bit to work on it but I'm so mad still. Idk if it's worth it. I've been doing soooo much work getting myself to a good place that I don't need some jerk who can't fucking talk about his feelings pulling me down. And I'm being a bit dramatic here I don't think he's really a jerk but please, men, for the love of God, go see a female therapist and WORK IT OUT. He does seem genuinely remorseful and he insisted that he will work on it and I hope both of those are true. Come on dude!!!!
6/19/26, 10:26 am, 70 & pleasant
Going to the creek today and it's going to fix my every worry! I'm making a sandwich and putting chips in it! Summer save me save me summer
6/15/26, 11:16 am, 86 & very summer
Tomorrow is my two week check-in post surgery and I need everyone to pray that doc okays me to get in the river! I need to get in the river right now. Ch's old coworkers showed him a new secret swimming hole and I must investigate. It's not even that far from my house and there's a rope swing hallelujah.
So far so good on deleting social media apps this go around. I do not miss them. I have read two books in one week and have started a third. Feels a hell of a lot better than wasting my time scrolling. I have definitely been abusing Pinterest to a point, but not nearly so bad as I was Instagram, and I'm trying to remember it's a process and I don't have to do it all at once. Better than nothing and better than before!
Started back to work on Saturday which has been good, I missed it. Feeling blessed to have a chill job that I like to be at. Definitely messed up this batch of candles but you know what I can't be perfect all the time! Whatever. My boss loves me so much she won't be mad. Love it here!
6/11/26, 6:50 am, 66 & bright
My surgery went well and I do in fact have endometriosis as we have been suspecting for the last ten years. It was not as extensive as I thought it was going to be, however, my left ovary was twisted on itself and adhered up behind my uterus to my bowel and abdominal wall, which is what has probably been the cause of a lot of my suffering. Wonder how long it's been like that. Kind of crazy that never came up on any of the multitude of ultrasounds I've had over the years but whatever. I'm so glad they found something. The very first thing I did after I woke up was reach down and see how many incisions I had on my stomach. The endo was only located on my uterus and ovaries. At my follow up appointment next week we'll be discussing the pathology results and whether or not he thinks I also have adenomyosis. The first couple days of recovery were really rough, but Sh made the big trek to come take care of me which was so incredibly kind of her. I needed her. Forever thankful that I have a friend like her I just don't know who I would be without her.
Getting my diagnosis was very emotional for me. I've waiting over ten years to finally be told that it's not in my head and that what I feel is not normal. I've seen countless doctors over the years who would tell me "oh, that's just how periods are." My own mother would tell me to toughen up and deal with it, that's just how periods are. Bleeding through an ultra tampon in less than an hour and through your clothes every month is not normal. Cramps so bad you can't stand up straight are not normal. Having to miss school and call out of work at least three days a month is not normal. Throwing up from the pain and nausea is not normal. Being dismissed for a decade is not normal. Thank GOD masking my symptoms with birth control gave me some quality of life back but that's not normal either. And this surgery still doesn't fix the problem but at least it is documented and in my records now and I can't be gaslit by these horrible doctors anymore. While my symptoms will gradually return I'm finding solice in knowing that I was right all this time.
Having to lay in bed for a week and a half with not a lot to do has made me think a lot about how I've been wasting an insane amount of time lOokInG At PhOnE and that I just need to stop. I have successfully (and in all honestly with very minimal effort) quit all hard drugs, weed, alcohol, and cigarettes within the last three years. When Spencer died I quit doing drugs (besides weed) cold turkey. I had to stop smoking weed when I tried to work at the post office and I didn't pick it back up again. I stopped drinking when I met Ch because he's sober. And about a month and a half ago I just stopped buying cigarettes. Yesterday I woke up and had an overwhelming feeling like enough is enough. I've tried countless times to stop using my phone like that and just couldn't. I delete the apps, I do good for a few weeks maybe even a month, but then I redownload them to post something or do something specific and then I'm right back in it like I never deleted them. AND I know I've said this before BUT I haven't looked at it in juxtaposition to the other addictive things I've quit. I need to do this for my sanity. I've completely stopped working on any hobbies. I've been so fucking depressed I wasn't getting out of bed BEFORE my surgery for almost a month. I was trying to blame it on not feeling well physically but like no shit I don't feel good physically I'm not using my body at all. Yes I do have limitations because of my chronic illness but I can do more than I was doing, for sure. I can go for short hikes and I can stretch and I can swim. I could get a gym membership I have the money. I have got to get myself out of this funk and I'm almost positive I feel like this because all I do is consume short-form content. Catch me this summer absolutely obliterating my local library and swimming holes. Fuck phones fuck AI fuck the news I need to read and be outside and make things with my hands. I think before surgery I was trying to blame my lack of motivation on being sick (which yes, I AM sick, that is true), but I think being actually bed bound for a week taught me a valuable lesson. I don't want to live like this.
5/21/26, 2:59 pm, 84 & hazy
Summer's here...hot hot hot! Cherry slushies every day!
I'm having a laparoscopy next week to determine whether or not I have endometriosis. It's been a long time coming (over 10 years!); I'm glad I finally found a doctor who takes me seriously, but I'm nervous that they're not going to find anything, and I'm nervous to just be having a surgery in general, and I'm bummed it's coinciding directly with creek season so I won't be able to swim for a while. Womp womp.
This weekend I'm seeing BRIGHT EYES and I'm SO EXCITED the videos coming out of Red Rocks are awesome I'm gonna cry so much. The Moldy Peaches are playing tooooooo omg omg omg. Little me is screaming.
I have not been doing very well...been in a month long flare up of whatever the fuck is wrong with me. No energy. GI problems. Tummy hurt. Brain fog. Joint pain. They had better find something to explain this shit during surgery next week...
4/21/26, 7:01 pm, 48 & raining
Our trip was great, it was so nice to see my friends, I missed them all so much. Ch got to meet everyone and everyone loved him. We stayed with Sh and P and it was so good to catch up with them both. We saw lots of people at the derby game (our team won by TWO-HUNDRED POINTS). It was hard to leave again like it always is, but I know that's not the place I want to be permanently, even though I miss my people there so badly. I wish it wasn't so far so it was easier to visit. 8 hours in a car is too long for me. The rain followed us home yesterday like it usually does.
4/12/26, 11:09 am, 50 & about to thunderstorm
I think I'm having an endo flare up. I've been pretty bedridden unless I'm at work for the past week. I try to get up and do something and just get so crampy and tired I have to lay down. Sucks, big time.
I've decided to wean myself off my meds. They're making my fatigue worse and making me feel funky still. I'd rather be awake and dysregulated than tranquilized and foggy, I think. All things considered I'm doing well, though. Just trying to figure out why my energy levels have been so shot. All I want to do is lay in bed, which I do not like. Been doom scrollin bad which ain't good for the head! Trying to find my motivation again.
I ordered my friend M a beautiful handmade chainmail necklace for their 30th birthday which is coming in the mail soon. I'm a little jealous, I'd like to keep it for myself. Wish I could have given it to them on their actual birthday, but alas, my ability to stay on top of things has been hindered so I didn't order it in time. That's ok. It's so pretty it'll make up for the tardiness.
Next week Ch and I go to my old town for a visit and I'm so excited. We had such a good time on our trip last month that I'm excited for this next one. Maybe getting out of town for a bit will help clear my head of this fog. He also loved his sobriety day gifts, I did such a good job.
4/4/26, 5:39 pm, 72 & atypically hazy
The new season of Love on the Spectrum is so good. I cry and giggle and smile.
I ordered a bunch of Italian charm bracelet charms off Depop and Ebay. I got a blank bracelet at a yard sale a few weeks ago for one dollar. I didn't think the charms would be so pricey. About 4 dollars each on average.
Questioning my new meds. They make me feel really weird and disociative for about two hours after I take them but then I feel fine after. I'm wondering if it will be something that goes away with time. I hope so because it's uncomfortable and things were going so well at first! I don't want to give up quite yet.
I can't wait to give Ch his gifts on Monday for his sobriety anniversary. I got him a funny bumpersticker and a very cool light up Deep Space Nine lamp thingy. He's going to love both of them. I'm so proud of him. We're going to go to a waterfall and pack a picnic lunch. He also got a new job at a welding shop! I'm so proud of my baby. We have another trip planned to visit my old town in a few weeks and I cannot wait to introduce him to all my friends. I'm going to get a big gold star for this one.
3/26/26, 7:42 am, 65 & birds are chirping
Ch told me he loved me last weekend!!!!!!! I'm over the moon!!!!! I'm so happy and smitten. Blushing and kicking my feet.
Our trip was great! The wedding was nice and meeting Ch's family was special. I had a very good time, LA is always fun. I'm exctied to return in May for a special concert.
Spring is fully sprung around here and the hills are glowing green. There's wildflowers in the ditches again. The doves have returned to wake me up in the morning. It's such a special time of year around here. I feel blessed to get to share it with Ch. I'm still processing the series of events that led me to the moment and I can't really wrap my head around it. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would meet someone after moving back here. I thought I would be here for one year, max. 6 months was the goal. And while I still don't want to be here forever, now that I have finally settled into a job I love and have met someone I love I'm feeling just fine being here. Yesterday I had therapy and didn't even have anything to talk about for the first time ever. She said, so how's it going? and I was able to just say GREAT!
3/5/26, 4:39 pm, 60 & sunny but windy but the grass is so green
Ch and I leave for our trip to LA tomorrow morning and I cannot wait to get out of town. It will be so nice to meet some of his friends and more of his family. I'm excited to eat good food and go shopping. We are going to make a wildflower pit-stop on our way down. It's going to be gorgeous weather. I broke out the mini skirts.
I started a new sewing project, my first actual grarment (besides the apron I made). I'm doing a modified rectangle wrap top out of a camo quilt top. For some reason my measurements were extremely off so I'll have to revisit it when I'm back from my trip, I had been hoping to finish it today so I could wear it but alas. It's ok.
Been leaning more into femininity lately which has been interesting. Preforming the ritual of getting ready has been really soothing. Painting my nails. Glitter. Obviously these things aren't synonymous with the feminine but you get what I'm saying. Skrits/dresses feeling pretty. I avoided it for a very long time and I didn't think it was something I identified with at all but lately I've found myself gravitating heavily towards it. I'm sure I'll loop back around someday but it's been a fun experiment. Big hoop earrings. Lipgloss. Let's go girls!
Things I am looking for at the thrift on my trip: fitted button up tops, high neck/boat neck tanks, denim shorts, hot shorts, interesting shoes, statement necklaces, rings, CDs
2/19/26, 8:43 am, 38 & trying to snow
Many things have happened since we last spoke! It's kind of incredible what a couple months can do.
Things are going really well with Ch (after a bit of a rough patch on New Years...) but we were able to have a in depth and caring conversation and work things out and have been a lot better about communicating our needs with each other. We have our first trip together coming up the first week of March. We're attending his old friend's wedding in LA. It will be so nice to go on a trip togeter and to get out of town for a few days. We spent Valentine's together and had an amazing day. He got me a very thoughful gift (a gift certificate to the local sewing studio so I can take a class), made me breakfast, took me out to dinner, and we went to a burlesque show. I'm feeling very thankful that things are moving forward positively with him, I feel very invested in this relationship and like I want to do the work to make it really meaningful and long-lasting. I love getting old.
I left my job at the bagel place again. While I am very thankful to have had something to hold me over until I found something better after the Post Office didn't work out, I knew I wasn't going to last there very long. It's a pretty terrible work environment and I'm just too old for the shit that was going on there. I was hired at a soap and candle shop and I am absolutely thrilled with how it's going. I love my new boss. She's my age, we have a lot in common and we're getting along great. She appreciates my attention to detail and creativity instead of stifling it like my old boss. She already wants to make me a lead which is amazing news. Making the products is so much fun and I'm happy to be learning a new craft. She also invited me to join the chamber of commerce for the town we're in and I'm helping with the marketing committee which has been interesting and rewarding. Idk how invested I want to get with it but for now it's been a nice way to use my brain and all my time off.
I started a new medication that is seemingly going really well. I haven't had any negative side effects yet, although it's only been four days. I think I can feel some of the effects starting. I feel like I can focus better on things without getting overly emotional or stressed about them which is huge. I had tried Lamictal last month only to get the dreaded Lamictal Rash so I had to stop taking it. I was feeling pretty defeated after that, but we're trying Latuda now and so far so good. This is my first venture into trying mood stabilizers. I have tried basically every SSRI and between the side effects and them not even working very well I wanted to try something different. Therapy has also been going very well. I love my therapist!!!! And my psychiatirst too. This journey has been really difficult but rewarding and I'm excited to keep pushing through. Oh, and per my last entry...turns out I was misdiagnosed with BPD (according to both my psych and therapist) so that's been a bit of a whirlwind realization. I was diagnosed in 2019 during an extremely tumultuous period and the diagnosis made sense at the time, but since then I have questioned it sometimes because I felt like I didn't fit all the criteria very well. My psych and therapist both agreed that my empathetic response is far too high to fit the criteria, and I don't exhibit nearly enough self destructive behaviors (at least not anymore). Not gonna lie it's been a big relief to be told I don't have it. It's such a stigmatized disease and I dreaded telling people I had it. I still identify with it especially after believing I had it for like six years, but I'm excited to keep moving forward with my treatment and maybe getting a diagnosis that fits me better now.
I've been trucking away at my sewing practice! I made Ch a few custom pillowcases for Valentine's and I'm thrilled with how they came out. I patched together a bunch of fabrics that match his room and added cute little ties to the ends so the pillows don't slip out. He loves them. And technically that was the first real sewing project I've ever completed! I finished my first garment as well. My new job requires me to wear a historical costume, and all the aprons we have available at work are messed up/covered in holes and wax, so I decided to make a new one. The fabric I used is extremely sentimental to me. Ten years ago when I lived in Washington, I had just developed an interest in learning how to sew. I asked my bf at the time for a sewing machine for Christmas. We went together to go pick out my first fabric. I bought a few yards of this warm brown plaid cotton. I wanted to make a shirt. Needless to say, that never happened. I got the sewing machine, used it once, then never really picked it up again for almost a decade. I moved with that fabric for ten years, through 8 different houses. I used it as a curtain at one house, and one half of it developed a sunprint of the windowframe. Now that I've finally actually begun to learn to sew, I thought it would be a crazy full circle moment to use that fabric to sew my first completed garment. (I also sewed it on Chinese New Year, which feels very symbolic also). It came out amazing! I'm very proud of myself, and feeling so sentimental. Again, I LOVE GETTING OLD I LOVE TIME PASSING AND GROWING.
This year is going to bring me fruits beyond my wildest comprehension! I'm willing it to be! The effort I am putting into bettering myself will reward me ten fold!!!!!