Red pen on a yellow Post-It note
2024 2025


6/11/26, 6:50 am, 66 & bright
My surgery went well and I do in fact have endometriosis as we have been suspecting for the last ten years. It was not as extensive as I thought it was going to be, however, my left ovary was twisted on itself and adhered up behind my uterus to my bowel and abdominal wall, which is what has probably been the cause of a lot of my suffering. Wonder how long it's been like that. Kind of crazy that never came up on any of the multitude of ultrasounds I've had over the years but whatever. I'm so glad they found something. The very first thing I did after I woke up was reach down and see how many incisions I had on my stomach. The endo was only located on my uterus and ovaries. At my follow up appointment next week we'll be discussing the pathology results and whether or not he thinks I also have adenomyosis. The first couple days of recovery were really rough, but Sh made the big trek to come take care of me which was so incredibly kind of her. I needed her. Forever thankful that I have a friend like her I just don't know who I would be without her.

Getting my diagnosis was very emotional for me. I've waiting over ten years to finally be told that it's not in my head and that what I feel is not normal. I've seen countless doctors over the years who would tell me "oh, that's just how periods are." My own mother would tell me to toughen up and deal with it, that's just how periods are. Bleeding through an ultra tampon in less than an hour and through your clothes every month is not normal. Cramps so bad you can't stand up straight are not normal. Having to miss school and call out of work at least three days a month is not normal. Throwing up from the pain and nausea is not normal. Being dismissed for a decade is not normal. Thank GOD masking my symptoms with birth control gave me some quality of life back but that's not normal either. And this surgery still doesn't fix the problem but at least it is documented and in my records now and I can't be gaslit by these horrible doctors anymore. While my symptoms will gradually return I'm finding solice in knowing that I was right all this time.

Having to lay in bed for a week and a half with not a lot to do has made me think a lot about how I've been wasting an insane amount of time lOokInG At PhOnE and that I just need to stop. I have successfully (and in all honestly with very minimal effort) quit all hard drugs, weed, alcohol, and cigarettes within the last three years. When Spencer died I quit doing drugs (besides weed) cold turkey. I had to stop smoking weed when I tried to work at the post office and I didn't pick it back up again. I stopped drinking when I met Ch because he's sober. And about a month and a half ago I just stopped buying cigarettes. Yesterday I woke up and had an overwhelming feeling like enough is enough. I've tried countless times to stop using my phone like that and just couldn't. I delete the apps, I do good for a few weeks maybe even a month, but then I redownload them to post something or do something specific and then I'm right back in it like I never deleted them. AND I know I've said this before BUT I haven't looked at it in juxtaposition to the other addictive things I've quit. I need to do this for my sanity. I've completely stopped working on any hobbies. I've been so fucking depressed I wasn't getting out of bed BEFORE my surgery for almost a month. I was trying to blame it on not feeling well physically but like no shit I don't feel good physically I'm not using my body at all. Yes I do have limitations because of my chronic illness but I can do more than I was doing, for sure. I can go for short hikes and I can stretch and I can swim. I could get a gym membership I have the money. I have got to get myself out of this funk and I'm almost positive I feel like this because all I do is consume short-form content. Catch me this summer absolutely obliterating my local library and swimming holes. Fuck phones fuck AI fuck the news I need to read and be outside and make things with my hands. I think before surgery I was trying to blame my lack of motivation on being sick (which yes, I AM sick, that is true), but I think being actually bed bound for a week taught me a valuable lesson. I don't want to live like this.



5/21/26, 2:59 pm, 84 & hazy
Summer's here...hot hot hot! Cherry slushies every day!

I'm having a laparoscopy next week to determine whether or not I have endometriosis. It's been a long time coming (over 10 years!); I'm glad I finally found a doctor who takes me seriously, but I'm nervous that they're not going to find anything, and I'm nervous to just be having a surgery in general, and I'm bummed it's coinciding directly with creek season so I won't be able to swim for a while. Womp womp.

This weekend I'm seeing BRIGHT EYES and I'm SO EXCITED the videos coming out of Red Rocks are awesome I'm gonna cry so much. The Moldy Peaches are playing tooooooo omg omg omg. Little me is screaming.

I have not been doing very well...been in a month long flare up of whatever the fuck is wrong with me. No energy. GI problems. Tummy hurt. Brain fog. Joint pain. They had better find something to explain this shit during surgery next week...



4/21/26, 7:01 pm, 48 & raining
Our trip was great, it was so nice to see my friends, I missed them all so much. Ch got to meet everyone and everyone loved him. We stayed with Sh and P and it was so good to catch up with them both. We saw lots of people at the derby game (our team won by TWO-HUNDRED POINTS). It was hard to leave again like it always is, but I know that's not the place I want to be permanently, even though I miss my people there so badly. I wish it wasn't so far so it was easier to visit. 8 hours in a car is too long for me. The rain followed us home yesterday like it usually does.



4/12/26, 11:09 am, 50 & about to thunderstorm
I think I'm having an endo flare up. I've been pretty bedridden unless I'm at work for the past week. I try to get up and do something and just get so crampy and tired I have to lay down. Sucks, big time.

I've decided to wean myself off my meds. They're making my fatigue worse and making me feel funky still. I'd rather be awake and dysregulated than tranquilized and foggy, I think. All things considered I'm doing well, though. Just trying to figure out why my energy levels have been so shot. All I want to do is lay in bed, which I do not like. Been doom scrollin bad which ain't good for the head! Trying to find my motivation again.

I ordered my friend M a beautiful handmade chainmail necklace for their 30th birthday which is coming in the mail soon. I'm a little jealous, I'd like to keep it for myself. Wish I could have given it to them on their actual birthday, but alas, my ability to stay on top of things has been hindered so I didn't order it in time. That's ok. It's so pretty it'll make up for the tardiness.

Next week Ch and I go to my old town for a visit and I'm so excited. We had such a good time on our trip last month that I'm excited for this next one. Maybe getting out of town for a bit will help clear my head of this fog. He also loved his sobriety day gifts, I did such a good job.



4/4/26, 5:39 pm, 72 & atypically hazy
The new season of Love on the Spectrum is so good. I cry and giggle and smile.

I ordered a bunch of Italian charm bracelet charms off Depop and Ebay. I got a blank bracelet at a yard sale a few weeks ago for one dollar. I didn't think the charms would be so pricey. About 4 dollars each on average.

Questioning my new meds. They make me feel really weird and disociative for about two hours after I take them but then I feel fine after. I'm wondering if it will be something that goes away with time. I hope so because it's uncomfortable and things were going so well at first! I don't want to give up quite yet.

I can't wait to give Ch his gifts on Monday for his sobriety anniversary. I got him a funny bumpersticker and a very cool light up Deep Space Nine lamp thingy. He's going to love both of them. I'm so proud of him. We're going to go to a waterfall and pack a picnic lunch. He also got a new job at a welding shop! I'm so proud of my baby. We have another trip planned to visit my old town in a few weeks and I cannot wait to introduce him to all my friends. I'm going to get a big gold star for this one.



3/26/26, 7:42 am, 65 & birds are chirping
Ch told me he loved me last weekend!!!!!!! I'm over the moon!!!!! I'm so happy and smitten. Blushing and kicking my feet.

Our trip was great! The wedding was nice and meeting Ch's family was special. I had a very good time, LA is always fun. I'm exctied to return in May for a special concert.

Spring is fully sprung around here and the hills are glowing green. There's wildflowers in the ditches again. The doves have returned to wake me up in the morning. It's such a special time of year around here. I feel blessed to get to share it with Ch. I'm still processing the series of events that led me to the moment and I can't really wrap my head around it. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would meet someone after moving back here. I thought I would be here for one year, max. 6 months was the goal. And while I still don't want to be here forever, now that I have finally settled into a job I love and have met someone I love I'm feeling just fine being here. Yesterday I had therapy and didn't even have anything to talk about for the first time ever. She said, so how's it going? and I was able to just say GREAT!



3/5/26, 4:39 pm, 60 & sunny but windy but the grass is so green
Ch and I leave for our trip to LA tomorrow morning and I cannot wait to get out of town. It will be so nice to meet some of his friends and more of his family. I'm excited to eat good food and go shopping. We are going to make a wildflower pit-stop on our way down. It's going to be gorgeous weather. I broke out the mini skirts.

I started a new sewing project, my first actual grarment (besides the apron I made). I'm doing a modified rectangle wrap top out of a camo quilt top. For some reason my measurements were extremely off so I'll have to revisit it when I'm back from my trip, I had been hoping to finish it today so I could wear it but alas. It's ok.

Been leaning more into femininity lately which has been interesting. Preforming the ritual of getting ready has been really soothing. Painting my nails. Glitter. Obviously these things aren't synonymous with the feminine but you get what I'm saying. Skrits/dresses feeling pretty. I avoided it for a very long time and I didn't think it was something I identified with at all but lately I've found myself gravitating heavily towards it. I'm sure I'll loop back around someday but it's been a fun experiment. Big hoop earrings. Lipgloss. Let's go girls!

Things I am looking for at the thrift on my trip: fitted button up tops, high neck/boat neck tanks, denim shorts, hot shorts, interesting shoes, statement necklaces, rings, CDs



2/19/26, 8:43 am, 38 & trying to snow
Many things have happened since we last spoke! It's kind of incredible what a couple months can do.

Things are going really well with Ch (after a bit of a rough patch on New Years...) but we were able to have a in depth and caring conversation and work things out and have been a lot better about communicating our needs with each other. We have our first trip together coming up the first week of March. We're attending his old friend's wedding in LA. It will be so nice to go on a trip togeter and to get out of town for a few days. We spent Valentine's together and had an amazing day. He got me a very thoughful gift (a gift certificate to the local sewing studio so I can take a class), made me breakfast, took me out to dinner, and we went to a burlesque show. I'm feeling very thankful that things are moving forward positively with him, I feel very invested in this relationship and like I want to do the work to make it really meaningful and long-lasting. I love getting old.

I left my job at the bagel place again. While I am very thankful to have had something to hold me over until I found something better after the Post Office didn't work out, I knew I wasn't going to last there very long. It's a pretty terrible work environment and I'm just too old for the shit that was going on there. I was hired at a soap and candle shop and I am absolutely thrilled with how it's going. I love my new boss. She's my age, we have a lot in common and we're getting along great. She appreciates my attention to detail and creativity instead of stifling it like my old boss. She already wants to make me a lead which is amazing news. Making the products is so much fun and I'm happy to be learning a new craft. She also invited me to join the chamber of commerce for the town we're in and I'm helping with the marketing committee which has been interesting and rewarding. Idk how invested I want to get with it but for now it's been a nice way to use my brain and all my time off.

I started a new medication that is seemingly going really well. I haven't had any negative side effects yet, although it's only been four days. I think I can feel some of the effects starting. I feel like I can focus better on things without getting overly emotional or stressed about them which is huge. I had tried Lamictal last month only to get the dreaded Lamictal Rash so I had to stop taking it. I was feeling pretty defeated after that, but we're trying Latuda now and so far so good. This is my first venture into trying mood stabilizers. I have tried basically every SSRI and between the side effects and them not even working very well I wanted to try something different. Therapy has also been going very well. I love my therapist!!!! And my psychiatirst too. This journey has been really difficult but rewarding and I'm excited to keep pushing through. Oh, and per my last entry...turns out I was misdiagnosed with BPD (according to both my psych and therapist) so that's been a bit of a whirlwind realization. I was diagnosed in 2019 during an extremely tumultuous period and the diagnosis made sense at the time, but since then I have questioned it sometimes because I felt like I didn't fit all the criteria very well. My psych and therapist both agreed that my empathetic response is far too high to fit the criteria, and I don't exhibit nearly enough self destructive behaviors (at least not anymore). Not gonna lie it's been a big relief to be told I don't have it. It's such a stigmatized disease and I dreaded telling people I had it. I still identify with it especially after believing I had it for like six years, but I'm excited to keep moving forward with my treatment and maybe getting a diagnosis that fits me better now.

I've been trucking away at my sewing practice! I made Ch a few custom pillowcases for Valentine's and I'm thrilled with how they came out. I patched together a bunch of fabrics that match his room and added cute little ties to the ends so the pillows don't slip out. He loves them. And technically that was the first real sewing project I've ever completed! I finished my first garment as well. My new job requires me to wear a historical costume, and all the aprons we have available at work are messed up/covered in holes and wax, so I decided to make a new one. The fabric I used is extremely sentimental to me. Ten years ago when I lived in Washington, I had just developed an interest in learning how to sew. I asked my bf at the time for a sewing machine for Christmas. We went together to go pick out my first fabric. I bought a few yards of this warm brown plaid cotton. I wanted to make a shirt. Needless to say, that never happened. I got the sewing machine, used it once, then never really picked it up again for almost a decade. I moved with that fabric for ten years, through 8 different houses. I used it as a curtain at one house, and one half of it developed a sunprint of the windowframe. Now that I've finally actually begun to learn to sew, I thought it would be a crazy full circle moment to use that fabric to sew my first completed garment. (I also sewed it on Chinese New Year, which feels very symbolic also). It came out amazing! I'm very proud of myself, and feeling so sentimental. Again, I LOVE GETTING OLD I LOVE TIME PASSING AND GROWING.

This year is going to bring me fruits beyond my wildest comprehension! I'm willing it to be! The effort I am putting into bettering myself will reward me ten fold!!!!!