Hello Kitty 37

I've always had a shit memory. I am also too nostalgic for my own good. I've never kept a consistent diary, unfortunately. The only diary I have any record of is from the end of 4th grade, and the summer before 5th grade. My dad found it in the shed and sent it to me for my 24th birthday. I plan on uploading scans of it here once I have access to a scanner.

The only other memory I have of every trying to keep a diary was a "scrap journal" as I called it, and I think it was when I was a junior or senior in high school (2013 or 2014). I kept receipts and trash and little scraps of things and scotch taped everything into a moleskin and wrote cryptic little notes to go with the scraps.

Of course I also had a Tumblr, which definitely served as a sort of diary. I unfortunately deleted it sometime in 2016. But God bless the Wayback Machine, because there's a few snapshots of my teen angst floating in the archive. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Most of the snapshots are pretty broken and the image posts don't load, but the original text posts and re-blogged quotes are very fun.

For the longest time my old Instagram account from high school still existed, however Instagram is a fucking hellscape and deleted it without any warning whatsoever. I am VERY upset about this. I didn't get to archive any of the photos, and now they are gone forever. I guess I should have been more proactive about saving photos from it when I had access, I just didn't think it would be deleted without warning.

So today is April 22, 2022, I'm 25. My memory is still shit, and I need to keep track of what happens to me. I love looking at old photos, what still exists of my blog, etc. I need to catalog my life a little bit so future me won't be mad at now me.

Fri, 5-17-24, 9:38 a.m.
I finally met a nice person, last Friday we went on a date to watch the northern lights
And this morning they left for a two month study abroad...in Spain...can't catch a break!
It's ok, they'll be back, just in time for my birthday

I just realized I never wrote here about my last relationship, probably for the best, but he dumped me over text while he was in Spain. Then came home and used me for sex for about a month and led me on. Now he's bothering all my friends, in a strange effort to upset me? Maybe? I don't even understand his motive. I heard he's moving back down south soon. Hope so! Hate seeing him around town. Bye loser! I wrote about this a lot in a physical journal. Maybe I should scan the pages.

Mon, 5-6-24, 5:48 p.m.
I've worked 8 days in a row and I'm exhausted, tomorrow I have the day off
I need to clean my room and start going through my things
I need to do some difficult things
My friends came over and made lunch and I did an interview with Jocelyn about my first job (bagel restaurant)
I'm drunk off two beers

Tues, 4-30-24, 10:53 a.m.
The university I attended is making international news for it's Palestine protests and I'm so proud of everyone. I saw that other universities last night completed the "take a building" challenge.

Last night the pigs swept campus in droves and in full riot gear and made dozens of arrests including at least two local journalists, and when I drove by this morning I saw no protesters, just pigs and crime tape. I'm hopeful that the momentum doesn't die. People are gathering at the courthouse later to support those arrested. I'm unsure of what's happening on campus.

They bussed in cops from all over the state. I don't know how many there were, but from the looks of it, cops outnumbered those left on campus last night around 3 a.m. I'm unsure if there was any force used, but from reports I do not think anyone was injured.

Viva viva Palestina!

Wed, 4-17-24, 7:13 a.m.
I decided to add day of the week and timestamps to my diary entries.

One of my best friends left for his job a few days ago and I'm so sad. I'm gonna miss him so much. He should be done around October/November, but he isn't sure if he's going to move back to the area. Sad sad! I wish I could fold my friends up and put them in my pocket.

I started working a very part time second job with my other best friend at a wholesale chai place back in December. I work maybe one or two days a month, I'm just a fill in person for her and the one other employee. It's insanely easy. I get paid to mostly sit around. I wish I could work here more regularly and be a fill in person at my other job. There's some pretty intense drama happeneing over there right now and I'm sick of it. At this chai job I don't work with any other people and I love it. I'm here right now, getting paid to mess around on my computer while the boiler heats up, which takes around an hour and a half. I stopped in at my other job on the way here and made a coffee in an old thermos I got when I worked at Tully's coffee. Makes me miss Washington.

I've been building a new Magic deck. The commander is Muldrotha the Gravetide and it's going to be so MEAN. I'm excited.

Listing things I would like to accomplish by the end of the summer (or at least begin to accomplish)

- Talk to my brother-in-law about making quilt(s) out of Spencer's clothing & begin making the quilt(s)
- Start making quilt squares for making sweatshirts! Finally!
- Take my supplements every day & pin down exactly what supplements I need to take
- Create a stretching and exercise routine
- Create a daily morning routine
- Learn how to ride a bike (I know how vaguely, what I really mean is build up some biking confidence and learn to switch gears)
- Remove all social media apps from my phone, including pinterest and depop; stop using spotify and transition to using my iPod; maybe get a gps for the car and switch to a flip-phone
- Climb a V4 at the climbing gym and go outdoor climbing at least once
- Go camping at LEAST 3 times
- Fix the windows on my car and the broken fuse for the lighter/radio
- Read at LEAST 3 books

Maybe I will become consistent someday. Maybe I will keep up with a routine and a good habit.
Time crawls and flys by at the same time and things change so fast. Bueller was right!
What should I make of this space? I want to make something of it. I want to share even though it feels disingenuous and pretentious most of the time and I don't like my choice of words or my writing style.

I deleted the Instagram app off my phone a little over a week ago. I was fucking tired of looking at it. I've tried to do this many many times in the past and have never been successful. I always end up re-downloading it, usually mere hours after deleting it. It's quite frankly embarassing. But I know I'm not the only one. For whatever reason, this time it's sticking. The eventual goal is to delete it completely. I've already downloaded all of my data from it to my computer, so I have all of my pictures and won't lose anything. There are a few people I have followed on there for the better half of a DECADE and while I do not know them personally I already miss keeping up with them. But other than that, I feel a lot better. I still feel the urge to share photos with someone, and the idea is to start utilizing this space again. Let's seeeee!

In lieu of Instagram, I have been browsing Pinterest. Now obviously substituting this for that isn't ideal, but it's helped me over the "withdrawl" phase (typing this out is so fucking embarassing, bare with me). The thing about pinterest is I get tired of scrolling it after like 30 minutes instead of hours, and the amount and nature of the ads is a lot less abrasive. Bonus, when I look at it on my computer, there's no ads at all. It also feels a lot more useful, and I love the organizational nature of it. There's also little to no short-form video content, which is what I personally need to avoid most. Eventually I want to remove this from my phone as well, but for now it will stay. My job has a LOT of downtime, however it's not long enough periods to really read or work on anything like sewing or something, I'm working on figuring out something I can do in my downtime that is not phone related (I think knitting is going to be my answer to this but I need to re-learn how)

Something else I've been thinking a lot about is others' access to me. Specifically, my work has a group What'sApp, and I'm fucking tired of it. I do not want to be instantly accessable at all times, especially with regards to work. I'm not being paid to think about work 24/7 and I shouldn't be constantly thinking about other peoples' shifts that they want covered. If it's an emergency someone can call me. I'm turning off the notifications and I will check it periodically of my own volition. I'm tired of feeling bad when one of my 19 year old coworkers is "sick" on a Friday night and when no one responds my boss starts sounding off about how we need to "step up" for each other. I'm too old for this shit lol. Bye bye! I've also turned off all sound and vibration notifications for text messages. Like I said, if it's an emergency someone can call me. My phone is a tool for me to use not the other way around.

I've been able to keep up with a physical journal a LOT easier than digital! Still working out how I want to combine the two, because I like havin both.

I'm having a bad day. I'm tired of going to the doctor. They do not listen, they do not do a good job. I went to my first appointment this morning, and the doctor was in such a rush I couldn't even ask for bloodwork because she flew out of the room so fast after touching my armpits and crotch for .5 seconds each. I have another appointment at 2 with the cardiologist. I've never seen them before, I'm hoping it goes better than this morning's disaster. I made another appointment for the end of the month with my regular doctor so I'm hopeful I can get some bloodwork done then.

Now I'm at a cafe, I haven't been to this location yet, it's really cute. The coffee's good, but it took like a full 15 minutes to get my drink for some reason. I guess I'm not in a hurry so it doesn't matter. I'll probably play Stardew for a bit, and maybe go thrifting before my next appointment.

Ok I think I have officially sorted out a way for me to keep a daily journal. I bought some blank Moleskin Cahiers, they're 80 pages each which is the perfect amount to have a monthly calendar page plus one page per week for a full year. So I drew up a calendar and I'll be doing the John Wilson strategy of writing down bullet points of my day (scroll down for a photo of his journal). Then I have one full page per week to go into detail about anything on the calendar page if needed, or go off on a tangent, or whatever. I'll still be doing entries on here, but I wanted to make these more of a blog entry style, more thought out and sometimes with actual topics etc. We'll see how this goes! I'm optimistic, now that I found a physical journal I actually like the size/layout of. I tried to do this a few weeks ago with some old MUJI journals but they were lined and drawing a calendar on top of that was driving me insane. Plus they were too big to fit in my daily bag, which was horrible.

I'm still not feeling well, this cold I have is kicking my ass, but I do feel slightly better today. I think I'll work on adding music to my iPod again and read. Fall is falling, it's finally started to rain, the air feels crisp. I gotta break out ye old Twilight DVD.

I have a big giant cankersore on my tonsil and a cold, spending the next few days in bed working on getting my iPod set up, eating cherry popsicles, and reading essays.

Yesterday kind of fucking sucked but I still got some really cute things from the city-wide yard sale. I got a really pretty wool rug, a pair of Ariat work shoes, a little plastic box for art things, and a tiny ceramic bulldog. Not nearly as good as last year's haul, but I am obsessed with the rug. The whole day was just exhausting, the people I went with were driving me insane, I wish I would have just went by myself. Oh well, I guess. It just sucks cause last year was awesome and I feel like I could have actually had fun yesterday had I not went with them. Spent the rest of the day decompressing and finishing up Strange New Worlds. I truly hated the musical episode, so gimmicky, and that on top of the crossover episode with lower decks is making me not really thrilled for what else is in store. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the show in general, and some of the episodes are outstanding, but a lot of them have very sloppy wirting. I'm all caught up with it now so I'm going to watch season 3 of Picard now. I don't even remember what happened in season 2 but I'm too lazy to backtrack and rewatch stuff so here goes.

Yesterday was productive. I had a lot of annoying ass phone calls to make I've been putting off for over a month and I got them all done in one sitting. I had to make a cardiology appointment for my POTS. I had to call my dental insurance and argue with them about something not being covered, then had to call the dental office and argue with them instead when I realized it's mostly their fault after telling me THREE seperate times that the "procedure" would be covered. The procedure in question was taking fucking regular ass pictures of my teeth with an old digital camera. They tried to charge me $85 for it. I sent a grievance into my insurance so hopefully that goes through. As soon as I have my cleaning done with these idiots I'm going to just cancel my dental insurance. Hope my teeth fall out I'm tired of dealing with these people. Next I had to sign myself up for vision insurance so I can get some new glasses, mine are scratched to hell and there's a new big one right across the middle which is driving me insane. Luckily I was able to find a cheap one to add to my exisiting health insurance and the eyedoctor I've seen in the past takes it. So my dental insurance is through a different company than my regular insurance (of course) so all these things took twice as long as they should have, and both of the websites for these companies are essentially useless, so I had to just call the customer service lines and be on hold for like an hour each. This country has a serious fucking problem with healthcare and coming to the recent understanding that I am chronically ill has been scary and extremey stressful. I mean these two examples aren't even for my specialized care, these are just regular things everyone needs to have. I'm stressed about the cardiology appointment, one because this will be my first time seeing this doctor and two it's just another appointment to add to the list. I probably see a doctor or have an appointmnet of some sort at least every two weeks right now for one of my many issues. All this on top of the gynecology fiasco so I'm just fucking exhausted.

On a lighter note, I changed the oil in my car by myself for the first time and it's so easy. I'm never going to the shop again. Also, while I was at work, my friend told me about this program for people who get food stamps where you can get a free tablet through the free and reduced wifi program, so I got a free tablet yesterday. The lady was really nice and it seriously only took like 5 minutes to get me all set up. The tablet itself is pretty wonky but I've been wanting one for drawing for quite a while. Maybe I can finally try my hand at pixel art again! If anyone has recommendations for free drawing apps for android leave me a comment :-)

Today my roommate and I are going to this huge yardsale thing a few towns over. The entire town has yardsales! I went last year and it was seriously so much fun and I got a ton of stuff. I'm really hoping to find a new side table and a dresser for my partner. I'll post pics of what I get later!

Watched season 2 episode 1 of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds last night, it was really good and I cried. Love hot Spock.

Ok I'm aready slipping on writing an entry every day but I feel like I have nothing interesting to say I mean all I've been doing is working (at work) and working (on the site). This is why I wanted to copy John Wilson's journal style, well I dug out an old notebook for it and I'm working on making a grid right now for the calendar pages. I feel like I shoud be writing my journal entries in actual journals. A little less ephemeral feeling than a web-only journal, plus I can just copy what I write to here and have a physical archive if anything ever happens to the site. I'm sure Neocities won't be around forever, which is very sad, and I'm also I'm not great a backing things up.

In other news, my tattoo is scabbing and flaking, I have a sink full of spaghetti carbonara dishes I need to wash, pimple patches don't seem to actually do anything so I won't be purchasing more of those, but benzoyl peroxide seems to do something. As much as I hate consumer culture and branded products in general, I want to make a page with some of the items I have bought and liked. Tavi's products page is a bit of an inspo, their whole site is, really.

I've really really been enjoying working on the site again. It feels productive in a way that not a lot of other things do. While it is very much mostly for me, I really get a kick out of seeing the likes and replies from you guys. Being in this little community feels great and I'm excited to keep sharing with everyone. I missed this type of feeling that only the anonymity of the internet can provide. I want to write up something proper about these feelings, and a sort of manifesto, but I gotta get all my thoughts in order first, and read more of your guys'.

I had a pelvic ultrasound yesterday, the tech said my uterus is twisted up, whatever that means. I'm still awaiting the results. After that I went and got breakfast and a massage, which was fantastic. Later on my friend Val tattooed me, it's a little red bleeding heart branch, it looks sooo good! I've been wanting more color tattoos and it looks really nice with the other stuff it's by. It was nice to catch up with Val, too. I haven't seen them in a while. My best friend and I hung out afterwards and watched some nature documentaries. Today I have another sexy little half shift at work.

Well I messed up yesterday, I ate an edible before bed and had a full-blown panic attack, heart was POUNDING out of my chest. I don't know why I try to smoke/use weed but I need to stop. I seriously almost went to the hospital I thought my heart was going to explode. I tried to go get a pedicure after work today as a treat, but the only place in town that does them didn't have any nail techs working today. Tried to get a massage instead, but no walk in appointments available. Sad day. I miss my partner. He is officially in Spain and I can already tell the time difference is seriously going to suck.

I think I need to replace the cap and rotor on my car next, it's vibrating and shaking a lot, and possibly misfiring? I can never tell... something's up though. At least it's no longer overheating and is drivable. I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning in the next town over so we'll see how she does on her maiden voyage post head gasket replacement...

I should really clean my room or something, but I just feel like garbage. All I want to do is fart around on Neocities and watch tv. I've been picking up extra shifts at work since my partner left and I have nothing better to do, but it's making me really tired.

I have another little half shift today. Exciting stuff. Yesterday's shift kind of sucked ass. My coworker is going through it and kept messing stuff up but it's really not that big of a deal.

I have an idea for how I want my journals to be moving forward. I just watched "How to With John Wilson" and I'm obsessed with his daily journal style.

I think it would be fun to do a calendar grid for each month like his and have short notes for each day, then if I have more to say you can click through to expand a larger entry. I could make those ones a different color or put a little graphic on them or something. I seem to be incapable of being consistent with daily entries, and I'm thinking something very short form will help. I love making lists and it's kind of just a little list for each day.

Ok I'm really gonna try to do an entry every day even if that means its mediocre at best and only lists the menial daily tasks I completed for the day.

I'm about to leave for work, I only have a half shift today (which I love). Just had a conversation with my roommates about rent when my partner gets back in January and moves into my room. Thinking about trying to find my own place instead, getting slightly annoyed with one of my roommates. A friend who has a very cute one bedroom apartment is moving in with her girlfriend at the end of the year and I am extremely tempted to snag the apartment. It's probably the cheapest one bedroom in town, and it's not ugly. Her GF already approached me about taking it. Should I do it?


I am hoping to start utilizing this space regularly again, I miss building my site. A lot has happened in the last 4 months!! I don't want to spill my guts all at once, but I will say I have a new partner who I am super gross gushy in love with, and it's cute and I love him so much. Unfortunately, starting this morning, we'll be long distnace until January as he's going to Spain for school for a semester, but I'm just hoping the time goes by quickly and that he has so much fun. I'm definitely feeling very down today about it, and I just spent way too much money on skincare. I recently got an IUD and I think it's given me some pretty painful hormonal acne, so I'm trying to be proactive about that and catch it before it gets worse. In other news, my car finally works, and I don't want to jinx myself but I think it's gonna hold up for at least a little while this time. My very very kind coworker helped me replace several things including the head gasket, all for free. I've decided I'm going to buy a gift certificate for him and his wife to have a nice dinner as a thank you.

It's starting to feel like fall here. Well, not that we ever even had much of a summer, but it's raining today and it feels crisp and cozy in the house. I'm having a hot chocolate and catching up on some youtube videos. I think I'll start season 2 of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds later as well, I've been looking forward to watching it. I was supposed to take my partner to his parents house so he could catch his flight but I decided I didn't want to make the 7+ hour drive (one way) so he just drove himself, and now I have the next couple days off. It's good, cause I was pretty weepy this morning about him leaving, and I don't feel like doing much. My coworker's boyfriend is throwing her a suprise birthday party tonight that I was supposed to attend, but I just really don't feel like socialiing today or lately in general. I can tell it's going to be a very introverted autumn for me. But that's ok, I've been wanting to rebuild my animal crossing New Horizons island and start a new playthrough of Stardew Valley, and there's always Star Trek to watch. My partner had never watching Next Generation all the way through so we just completed that right before he left.

Reading over what I've just written makes me realize just how bad my ADHD is becoming lol I cannot stay on one topic. I just have a lot to say!


Wow lots to say!

Time is really interesting! I think I'm excited. I've been having a very fun time with a new friend, more fun than I have had in a very long time, and it feels really really good.

I've gotta get better about actually writing posts on here! The whole reason I made this was to document my life so I myself wouldn't forget.

This last month has been pretty crappy. I nearly broke up with my partner, (we talked, we didn't break up, we're doing good), I've been dealing with SO much bureaucratic bullshit, (DMV, HHS, medical & dental insurance, etc etc), car no worky, blah blah blah. I'm very tired and I'm very ready to be done with all these fucking PHONE CALLS and APPOINTMENTS.

The fucker who I sold my truck to never turned in his half of the paperwork, so the truck was never put in his name. Of course the DMV lost my release of liability, so I am still the legal owner. Well the guy went and dumped the truck a few towns over, so now there's abandoned vehicle fines and impound fines racked up on the truck, too. I did not know about ANY of this until about a month ago when I received a letter stating that the DMV was intercepting my tax refund to pay for the back registration fees on the truck, and my wages would be garnished next to pay for the impound and abandoned vehicle fees. I was shocked and pissed off, to say the least. Obviously this needed to be dealt with immediately, (I'm fucking broke and was counting on the tax refund to help pay for parts to fix my current car, which has not been working for months not, and WAGE GARNISHING?????). Anyways, I went to the DMV the next day, and apparently the information in the DMV system is off limits to anyone who has bought or sold a fucking car, you cannot get information about a car you sold. No name no nothing. LUCKILY I remember where the scumbag lived because I saw my truck parked at his house the day after I sold it. So, endangering myself, cause he was some slimey conservative asshole, I drove to his house to get the address so I could try to search online for his name. Thankfully, I found a site that has names associated with the address, and searched the names on Facebook till I found a guy who looked familiar and the name sounded right. I was able to find a phone number for him, and when I typed it in my phone, all the old texts popped up from when I sold him the car. Thank God. All you need for a release of liability is a name and address, so I resubmitted it online. I called a few days later, and the lady said that I'm no longer responsible for the vehicle, but because it was already in "open collections" I needed to contact the tax franchise board to try to get my tax refund back, and stop them from garnishing my wages for the other stuff. I've been trying to get ahold of them for over a week. The fucking phone line is one of those recorded messages with menu options, and you can't ever get through to a real person, and saying "speak to a representative" does nothing, it's GREAT. They never call me back and I can't get through to them, I am having a very fun time. They, of course, are closed on weekends, so tomorrow I will try again.

No word back on my foodstamps I was supposed to have received. Can't fucking get ahold of anyone on the phone for that either. Can't get down to the office because my car is still undriveable. Can't even log into my online account now for some reason? Yeehaw.

Also, it's been raining pretty much non-stop here for the past 6 months, and I'm fucking over it I NEED some nice, warm weather. I never thought of myself as someone who would long for summer, this is my first time experiencing it. If I can't sit by the river soon in the sunshine with a little bevvy and a sunhat I'm going to lose it.

I feel like I want to run off somewhere!!! I haven't felt this way in a long time. I used to love where I live. I thought I would stay put for a while, but I just don't know. For a while I was so content and so proud of the small life I've built here, and now it seems as if it has ceased to exist. Sure, I still have a lot of friends here, but now that I'm done with school, and my job has turned out to be a fucking hellscape, I just don't know if I want to be tied down here anymore. With Spencer's passing, this place feels broken and incomplete. He loved it here so much, it took him so long to find his place in the world. Now that he's gone this place feels meaningless. But the thought of leaving this place is terrifying and sad. It's where I met Spencer, and I just don't know if I'm ready to leave yet. In any case, it would be a while before I could split. My car isn't running at all, that would need to be fixed first. And it takes me forever to get started on projects, especially big important hard ones.

Where would I even go? I've thought about going to stay with my dad for the summer, and subletting my room, but I just don't have enough cash saved up for that and I'd have to work in my hometown, which honestly sounds nightmarish. But them again every fucking job is nightmarish so who cares. Maybe scooping icecream for the ding dongs I went to highschool with wouldn't be so bad... My dad could help me fix up my car, and I miss him so much. He's getting old and I really should spend more time with him. The only downside to all this would be my mother finding out I'm home and having to see her. We're not on speaking terms right now, and that's a whole other story, I'm sure it will come up sometime.

Shelby and I always talked of moving to Alaska. It's where her family is from. That could be nice. But I've never even been there, and it's SO far away. I've also always dreamed of being in the desert. Rural southern California or Nevada. Honestly that seems like the move. Get a remote job, a trailer, a doggie. (Just trying to be Eileen)

Happy Twin Peaks day

My anxiety is getting unmanigable again, I feel like shit every day. I feel like I'm being mean to everyone who talks to me. My job is draining every ounce of life juice I have in my body.

I cleaned out and organized the fridge and tupperware drawer yesterday. Today I think I'll conquer my hair and nails.

This new years has been such shit... has everyone else's too?

A few people (who I know of but was not close with) in my community have been hit by cars and died, a minor was assaulted for stealing fucking milk from the local grocery store and this crazy video went viral, our carbon monoxide detector went off at 4 a.m. last night (everything's fine, fire department came and checked it out), my car won't start, Krystian's stressed the fuck out, I'm stressed the fuck out. I'd really like one nice day? Just one day where everything is ok? Please? Universe? Hello?

I was able to pick up a new(used) laptop from my friend for super cheap, which was a huge relief. I'm broke as fuck and there's no way I can afford a new computer, let alone a nice computer. I got a 2016 Macbook Pro for 200 bucks and it's immaculate, brand new. It's been so nice to have all my fucking KEYS work again!!! On my old one, the "6", "?", "=", and "/" were all broken. As you can imagine, coding without a backslash or equal sign key was fucking horrible, I had to copy and paste them every time I used them. (This whole site was built without those keys lol). So there's that, at least! Next up I need to get a new phone, however I'm starting to rethink what kind of phone I want to get. Insert a long rambling thing about being addicted to social media, basically I'm thinking of just getting a really basic flip phone and then a small digital camera to replace the smart phone. I'm over it. I was born in 96, I grew up with flip/slidey phones, and I miss them.

My laptop finally took a shit on me on Friday :-) Screen is completely broken :-) Having so much fun :-)

Krystian's letting me borrow his while he works at least. And I think I found one to replace it, my friend is selling it. Just sucks!!! I have noooo money for thiiiiissssss. Krystian is doing fine, hasn't had anymore seizures, and seems to feel ok. He's just really sad about not being able to drive.

Jesus fucking Christ can I catch a break??? Krystian had another seizure last night and it was terrifying, we were just sitting in bed and then bam... I called an abulance cause I didn't know what to do. He seems fine now, the E.R. basically discharged him immediately and told him to follow up with the Neurologist. I shouldn't have even called them but it was so scary I didn't know what else to do. I've never seen him (or anyone) have a seizure until last night. It's really scaring me. Losing Spencer in July was, and is, excrutiating, and the thought of Krystian being sick with something so serious is stressing me the fuck out. Not to mention we had another pretty large earthquake right after the one a few weeks ago, and now we're in the middle of a pretty crazy storm. The wind has been howling all day and with the rain coming down so hard to you can't even drive. I'm just hoping we don't lose power again. Last thing, we went to go buy some groceries this morning when there was a break in the rain, and we went to the like discount grocery store right... butter was 10 fucking dollars. Bread was 8. I can't fucking afford to live!!! We bought stuff for 2 meals and it was almost $80. I just want to break down and cry right now, everything is hard and scary and expensive. I'm so worried about Krystian it's making me sick. Is it ok if he drives? Goes to work? What am I supposed to do if he has another seizure? The first time he had one he almost fell into the oven at work, what if no one is around to catch him next time? I'M SCARED.

Thankfully... he seems fine. When he comes to he doesn't remember the seizures, and he's back to normal within like 20 minutes. He's suspiciously unworried, but I guess that's better than us both freaking out. After last night though I'm very worried. The Dr originally thought they were being brought on by alcohol, but he hasn't been drinking at all for a few weeks since they started him on his seizure meds. And there was no indication whatsoever that it was going to happen, which is why I'm so worried about him driving, going to work, chopping wood, doing fucking anything. Big sigh.

I got the day off work to keep an eye on him today, we watched all three Back to the Future movies and now we're watching Dude, Where's my Car? I'm gonna make tarragon chicken salad sandwiches for dinner. My stomach hurts and I'm anxious. My damn tits hurt too, have for days, like I'm about to get my period, but it won't just fucking start. I'm gonna take a bath after dinner. Spencer's brother Hayden literally just texted me and asked me to feed the cats for a few days while he's out of town. Of course I'm happy to do it, and to hang out with the little monsters (Bones, Genki, Ron, and Neko), it just hurts a lot to be in Spencer's house. Fuck. Ok well I'm going to watch this dumb movie now and smoke a spliff and hug my lover and try to relax.

It's one thing after another around here. I keep getting sick. Now, it's something with my ears/throat/lymph nodes? Last week my right ear and right side of my throat hurt so bad I could barely swallow, then it just went away. Last night before bed I noticed it's now only the left side, and I have a very swollen unhappy lymph node on the left side of my throat, if I touch it it moves and makes a weird popping sound? Like when you pop a joint? Cool! I also have a headache, which I very rarely get unless something is wrong (or I'm hungover, which I'm not lol)

Krystian is doing a lot better! I should get better at updating. So, his EEG came back consistent with someone who is experiencing seizures, which is really scary, however the doctors think it's only happening the day after drinking far too much and being extremely dehydrated. He's stopped drinking since the last episode, and he hasn't had anymore scares, which is promising. They also started him on some anti-seizure meds, which he seems to be taking to well. The major side-effect of the meds is irritability, but he's been just fine since he started them, thankfully. I really hope quitting drinking solves this mystery. It's happened three times now, all when he's alone, and I'm terrified he's going to hit his head, or be driving or something. Knock on wood.

In other news, we had a massive earthquake last week in the middle of the night. I live in a rickety-ass house and it literally felt like it was going to fall down. Thankfully, everyone I know is fine, just some broken glass and stuff. It was the biggest one I've ever felt for sure, and there's been aftershocks for DAYS. The helplessness you feel during an Earthquake is so scary, you really can't do anything you have to just wait it out and hope for the best. I live in the tsunami zone as well but thankfully it wasn't deep enough to produce any big waves. I want to put together a "go bag" if this happens again, it's really shaken up everyone who lives here and people are on edge. I think a few people died closer to where the epicenter was, and there was quite a bit of structural damage as well. Some old bridges buckled, too. The power was out for the whole county for at least a day. Everyone went dumpster diving for free cheese at the bougie grocery store cause they threw it all out lol.

And I suppose it's Christmas Eve, I'm excited for my roommates to open their gifts and to see what they got me. Krystian opened his already and almost cried, they were all really thoughtful, especially the pierogi maker. I love my friends :-) Patty is coming over tomorrow, we're planning on tripping balls and eating soup.

Krystian has fainted twice in one week and I'm very worried about him. Last week he fainted at work and his boss had to call an ambulance. The hospital where we live is fucking terrible, all they did was give him fluids and send him home, no tests no nothing. Yesterday morning it happened again and he busted his chin on a cinder block. I took him to the hospital in the next town over and it was a little better, they actually ran some tests, took bloodwork, etc. Everything came back normal, but we're going to the neurologist tomorrow. I let him open his Christmas present early to keep him occupied, he loves it. We're relaxing at home now, watching E.R. He's feeling a lot better today, and I'm anxious to hear what the neurologist has to say. Will keep u updated! Trying not to preemtively worry.

On the medical theme, it's been about a month now since I stopped taking my medications (I was on an anti-depressant and a mood stabilizer). The pharmacy where I live is chronically under-staffed, and the whole medical system here is completely fucked. I was having a horrible time getting my refills in a timely manner. Going through withdrawls from my meds once a month because I coudln't get them filled in time was affecting me very negatively, so I decided to see what would happen if I weaned myself off them. I've been on these meds for YEARS, I don't even know how long, but it's been at least 7 years. I'm geuniely amazed at how 'fine' I feel not being on these medications anymore. Don't misundertand, these meds most definitely saved my life when I began taking them. I absolutely needed them. But, I think I've finally reached a place in my life that I no longer need to be taking them, and the results of this little experiment have only strengthened that belief. I haven't really noticed that many changes, but the most important and impressive change is that I have MUCH more energy than I did while on the drugs. I was napping at least once a day, sometimes twice, and being alert at work and while doing activities was a real struggle for me. This past week in particular I've noticed how much more alert and awake I am, and it's incredible. I've felt like a zombie for quite literally years. I can't believe how much better I feel.

Our trip was great. The truck made it without any issues. My dad loves Krystian, and we even visited with my mom. She came over to my dad's house for dinner, which was surreal. We all sat at the dinner table I grew up eating at and had a meal for the first time in like 13 years. Krystian and I went thrifting and we got sooo much cute stuff, I should post some photos. We've been back for a few weeks now, I've just been lazy about posting.

I've been pretty sick the last couple of days, it sucks. My roommates birthday is coming up on Saturday and I really hope I don't have to miss the party. Krystian's been staying at his house so he doesn't get sick, so I'm lonely, too. I think it's just a cold.

While I haven't been super active with posting on here, I've been hoarding so many cute graphics to use on the site. I'm thinking of making just a graphic archive for y'all to browse :-) I should get back into making my own graphics, too. What seems like a million years ago, I had a glitter-graphics.com account that I was very active on and would make little pixel graphics for, I miss it! And of course I make things in all my animal crossing games, too.

The last couple of days have been really hard on me. I miss Spencer so much. The 11th would have been our 3 year ~wedding~ anniversary. I decided to finally listen to the tape of his music for the first time since he died. His mom had a bench installed in a beautiful park called Su-Meg, his ashes are mixed into the concrete. I went to the spot and took my walkman and listened to the whole thing and just cried and lay in the sun. There are dice poking out of the armrests, a couple D20's, that he used for DnD...

...Today Krystian and I leave for our trip which is exciting. We're seeing Algernon Cadwallader (!!!) on their lil reunion tour, and I'm taking Krystian to meet my dad. I didn't bother telling my mom we would be in town, I don't want her to ruin my trip. I feel bad, and like I should at least have dinner with her, but every time I see her it's so stressful and it's just not worth it. I'm excited to eat in my hometown and show Krystian around. He's very excited to meet my dad. I hope his truck survives the drive, I'm a lil nervous.

I tried to go to work today but bending over and walking around was making my stomach hurt so bad, I left and went to the new walk in clinic. They basically said the same thing as the ER Dr. and told me to go home and come back if I get a fever or throw up. I love being dismissed by medical professionals!!!! I would like an ultrasound or CT please! I'm in pain!!!

I hope it doesn't get any worse, but maybe then they'll take me seriously. I'm supposed to be going on a trip next week to a concert with my partner and take him to meet my dad. If I have to cancel my trip, that would be devestating.

I really want to get back into working on this little space. I've been going at it non-stop for two days since I'm couch-bound due to either kidney stones or gall stones (the doctors are not sure which one). I am feeling better, though. It has finally started raining here, and it feels so good. I really need to clean my house. I have lots of ideas for more content for my site. I should really, at the very least, collect all the trash I'm sitting in. My housemates are on vacation so I've been slackin.

Holy shit a lot of stuff has happened this past month and a half. A lot of good and a lot of bad. On July 4th I lost Spencer, my ex-husband and my very close friend to a Fentanyl overdose. He was 31 years old. I have never lost someone in this way, and the grief is unbearable. The only other person I've ever lost was my grandma Faye, but she was in her nineties and we knew she wasn't doing well for a long time. Losing someone so suddenly hit me like a fucking train. When I got the call, I thought it was Spencer pranking me on Keith's phone. When I realized what was happening, I coudln't breathe, and all I could do was scream. Thank God I had just moved into a new house with roommates; I fear what would have happened if I had still been living alone. I am also fotunate enough to work for amazing wonderful people who let me take all the time I needed to rest and process. If I got to work and looked like shit or was crying they'd just send me home, no questions asked, and then bring me dinner or a treat when their shift was over. I can't thank my coworkers enough, they're truly angels. I hurt so deeply for Spencer's mom. Less than two years ago she lost her daughter Julia, Spencer's sister, to an overdose. I watched her and Spencer grieve through Julia's death. Having to watch her grieve through Spencer's while grieving myself is incredibly hard. She's one of the strongest people I've met. I wouldn't make it through that. I have this permanent lump in my throat that I feel like I'm choking on. It makes me gag and cough and cry.

I hadn't even been to a funeral before. My grandma didn't want one. My dad and I took her ashes to Deer Camp where her husband's ashes were spread and we reunited them. I have a little jar of her. I went with Spencer's family and close friends to the funeral home to 'say goodbye,' which I had no idea would include seeing Spencer's dead body. When I walked in the room and saw him I almost passed out. I don't think I need to see another dead body. He looked so fucking weird and the way they made his face look was terrible. I really wanted to cut a piece of his hair but I didn't ask and I lost my oppurtunity. I want to ask for ashes but I'm scared. When we went out that night after saying goodbye, I accidentally stole his earring. The damn thing fucking stank. He was a smelly son of a bitch. Gross how good it smelled to me. I want to stretch my ear and wear it, even though I hate stretched ears and think the thing is tacky as all hell. Steve got his neckalce he never took off, which smelled even worse.

This is the first time I've written about this in any capacity while I wasn't absolutely blind with grief. I found our DnD notebook the day after, and just wrote and wrote and wrote. Maybe I'll upload a scan, but it's so raw. Writing about this is the only way I've been able to really process. Through all this, I've noticed how much a shove emotions down. Every time I start to think of him my brain just automatically starts thinking about anything else. Brains are so interesting. Writing about it MAKES me think about it, which is good. I need to. Trying to be a person through all this is so crazy. A few people have told me they're so proud of me, that I'm not letting this consume me and I'm still living my life, and it's true. Spencer would be fucking PISSED if he knew any of us were wallowing in grief over his death. I tell them I'm living for him, otherwise he'd kill me.

The night before Spencer died, I had invited over a friend who I had a massive crush on, and he stayed the night for the first time. It was one of the best ~first dates~ I'd had in a very very long time. I had forgotten what it felt like to have someone really like you. I could tell how excited he was to be hanging out with me, and it felt so good. Aside from the first few nights after Spencer died, Krystian has spent nearly every night with me. He has been so incredibly sweet and gentle with me. I can't thank him enough. He's been gone the past week on a trip, but he flies back today. I can't fucking wait to see him. This week's been extra hard. Spencer's memorial was on my birthday, the 30th. That morning I woke up in horrible pain. My shoulder has been bothering me for like five days, and that day when I woke up my whole arm was numb and had shooting pain, so I decided to go to the ER. On my way there, the new car I just bought broke down. I'm being serious, this literally all happened on my birthday, ten minutes after I woke up, and I had to go to Spencer's memorial after all this. My arm is ok, but the stupid fucking ER staff refused to do imaging even though I practically begged for it. They did write me some prescriptions, which they never sent to the pharmacy...and I still haven't been able to pick up.....On top of all that, my old car, which I had sold to Spencer's best friend, (and my close friend), DIED the DAY AFTER I SOLD IT TO HIM. The engine is completely shot it's gonna get junked. I feel absolutely fucking terrible. I can't help but laugh at all this though I mean come on what the FUCK did I do to deserve all this??? :-) ON THE BRIGHTSIDE!!!!!!!! The car I bought is fine now, it was a very minor fix I did myself, and it's fucking adorable and I love it. 1991 Geo Metro convertible. Life's too short to drive a lame car.

I am almost done moving into my new house, such a relief. My room is basically all set up, and I really like it a lot. The window by my bed is West facing, and I get the BEST light during golden hour! Everything is orange and pink and gorgeous. Kiki, my kitty, is warming up to the new place well. She only hid for about an hour when I brought her over the other day, which is a huge step up from the last time we moved. We definitely need to find some more furniture pieces, so I'm excited about that. My last place was pretty small and I had no room for any more furniture, so I'm excited to find some cool pieces for this one. It's cool living with people again. I've actually never really had regular roomies; I've only ever lived with romantic partners, and at my last place I lived alone for 2 years. I'm excited to live with friends, and it seems like the three of us have very similar taste, the house is going to be so stinking CUTE. Also, I've been hanging out with cute boy, and have not yet been ghosted! There is hope! lol.

This weed I bought tastes like spachetti haha

I hate having crushes on people what the hell! So gross and gay, honestly.

I just found out I'll be moving in with two of my friends and I'm so happy and relieved! My rent at my current place is too expensive for me, unfortunately. Otherwise I'd probably stay here forever. But I'm so happy to be moving in with them. The house is so cute and comes with CHICKENS. And I was able to set it up so my other friend will be taking over my place and they are sooo excited, which makes me feel good. I spent all day yesterday packing my tapes. I also went to karaoke with Patty, my outfit was insanely good. Black wedge platforms, black sateen kick flare pants from L.E.I., and a pink black and white swirly print stretchy low cut top. I sang Britney.

I'm going thrifting in Oregon today with Riley and Val, I really hope I find some cool tapes like I did last time. Wish me luck, I'll update later!

Update: I got a very cute quilt and a very small tv.

Things have been good lately. I've been hanging out with a lot of different friends, working on my radio show, laughing a lot, meeting new people, and enjoying the sunshine. I went to a show the other day with my new coworker/friend at a venue I haven't been to before and had a lot of fun. It really reminded me of the shows I used to go to with friends in high school and made me miss them. I've brought it up a few times to them before of kinda doing a "high school reunion" but with just us friends, and I'm going to try to start coordinating that. That would be so special and fun, I think it needs to happen. I've been talking to a cute boy, too. Today I'm going climbing with some coworker friends, after that I work for a few hours, then after that I dunno. I got some cool tapes recently, and a sick jacket.

I have so many things I want to do. I don't know how to get started doing any of them. I think I have ADHD lol

I had a really nice day the other day and I want to write it down. So I worked in the morning at 7, and got off work at 2:30. I went home and took a nap in the sun. At 5 I had my first radio show with the local internet radio station that my friend runs, and I was super nervous for it, but excited. It went really well I think! I'm excited for next weeks show, and I think as I get used to it I'm really going to enjoy it. I like the anonymity of radio, how you don't have to show your face, you can go by a differnt name, etc. It's going to take me some time to get used to talking into the mic, and having to talk to people that I can't see and don't know who is listening, but that's also part of the fun, I think. It reminds me of the small web, which I'm very much getting intersted in. After my show I drove to the Marsh and watched the sun set, it was gorgeous. I sat in the car, smoked a cigarette, and listened to the water. I went and got a burger after the sun set, and took it home to eat. Riley came over and stayed the night, and we watched Sixteen Candles, which I haven't seen in probably ten years. Such a nice day.

Ok I'm on my way to Jake's going away party and I'm fucking sad about it I felt really icky all day at work and I bleached my hair when I got home. It doesn't look that great but I just need to buy some toner. Man, I need to get a grip on myself.